Motherhood reality

Have you seen them?
Have you met them?
Are you one of them?

I'm talking about those moms that look like it's all perfect.
Their hair is smooth and their body firm.
They walk by you in the latest fashion with their kids dressed to the nine, (and how do they get those bows to stay in their hair??)
They tell you that their kids nap in their crib at the same time every day and put themselves to sleep.
Their houses are always clean and there are no crumbs in their car.
They appear to have it all put together.

They are out there, but I'm not one of them.
Here's my suspicion, they may have extra help at home. Maybe a nanny that's there when they don't work or even family that puts in an extra hand on a regular basis. How else could their abs be so firm and why don't they have frizzy hair?

I usually just trot past them with my frizzy bangs, workout pants with the occasional dried booger or banana on them and chipped nails. I always smile. That's what I do.
Deep down I'm wondering how they do it.

Is everything really perfect?
Do they go home at night and cry?
Do they complain to their husband but no one else?
Do they have to get up in the middle of the night and sing "Wheels on the bus?"

I'll never be one of those moms.
I won't tell you things are perfect.
I won't say that I sleep great or that my daughter does.
I won't hide my truth.

Here's my TRUTH:
The truth is that it can be hard.
Beautifully hard.
It's hard to watch my baby cry, it makes me cry.
When the corners of her mouth turn town and her face turns pink I want to kiss her and hold her to make the pain go away.
Even if it's for something silly.
I ache when she aches.

The truth is that it is breathtaking.
It's heart stopping to watch my daughter play with her toys. It makes me melt, I don't want to move.
I want to freeze time.

The truth is that Lyla doesn't like hair bows. She pulls them out.
She usually gets spaghetti sauce on her cutest clothes and I sometimes forget to put oxi-clean on it.
She likes to put my hair in a ponytail, which in reality is a messy frizzed up ball that she feels satisfied with, and I leave it that way to please her.

She hates going to bed. Hates it. She would rather stay up and play with Da-Da and I for hours.
I sing her to bed each night. Until she is passed out and snoring. I don't mind it.
I LOVE it.
I love holding her hand while she sleeps.
I love cherishing the moments.

I am one of those moms that wants her with me at all times.
I love going out to dinner with Lyla.
I love traveling with Lyla.
I love being with her and Jason.

So the point of my rant is that not all moms are perfect.
It's okay. Even if you're reading this and you appear to be one of those moms I'm speaking of... I know you have tough days.
It's okay if your baby doesn't sleep through the night or if you would rather be at home playing with plastic animals then at happy hour.

Cherish it... they are only babies once and you can never ever go back in time, ever.

With that said, I can't wait to go home and paint and play with Lyla.
This is THE LIFE.
I will always tell you the truth.

xoxo
Angela

Hungry?

Since this whole Pancreas thing came about I've changed our diet. We have always eaten healthy but now we're on a 25g of fat or less per day. Last night when at my sister in law's house I noticed that Balsamic Vinaigrette has 9grams of fat per serving! Jeez! I've changed everything about the way we eat, but it's GREAT! I think we're actually eating better now than we ever did before. Just because something is LOW-FAT doesn't mean it's not full of flavor. So, because I'm so nice, I'd love to share with you my fabulous finds!

HUNGRY-GIRL: My new obsession. I bought three of her books. I'm just saying that the brownie cheesecake swirl really only has 1.5grams of fat/serving and it's de-lish! Why not mix pumpkin instead of oil/eggs/butter, it tastes much better that way!!!

SKINNY TASTE:  Not all these recipes are low-fat so I've had to sort my way through but I've found some yummy ones. Take note of the pumpkin muffin in the left hand corner! Tis' the season for pumpkins and fall treats! This one made me fall over with gratitude. Thanks to all those bloggers that enjoy low-fat cooking, I enjoy making the recipes!

As for the family update... Jason's pancreas is hanging in there! For the first time his levels were lower. (perhaps I was right and it's the 0.86% chance that the Zyrtec caused it?? Dare I say??) His Endoscopy was fine with mild Gastritis and he has his follow-up with the specialist tomorrow.

Now, what to make for dinner tonight?! Hmmmm.....



 

Prayers Answered

Mark 11:24 “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

The first hurdle is finished. Now it is time to take a deep, deep breath and set forward with the determination that everything will be fine.
JASON DOES NOT HAVE PANCREATIC CANCER

I can breathe…I can walk without stumbling now…I can see the future and it’s bright. It’s filled with days of swinging, singing, dancing, laughing, holding hands, eating, playing, going to Disneyland and enjoying our new back yard.

My nails are gone but they will grow back.

The power of prayer and positive thinking is amazing. It’s impossible to explain in words what my heart has felt the last few days. It’s a deep, deep pain. It’s a heartbreaking pain that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. To put it bluntly, I was worried that my husband may have had an incurable form of cancer. In Jason’s words “I would rather any other cancer, one that I can fight, because I would fight it”.

I have felt fear, sadness, heartache, anxiety, worry, love and loss in the last four days. All normal feelings during this circumstance.

For those that listened, thank you.

For those that provided, thank you.

For those that prayed, thank you.

I hope I don’t have to worry about scary things like this until we’re older with silver hair, wrinkles and walking canes. Then we can stumble away to the heavenly gates together.

Yes I understand that we all die at some point, ( I am a medical professional) but it’s not our time. Not now.

Time for some love and low fat meals!

We’re ready to battle you my dear pancreas… watch out!

We will find what is inflaming you and rid you of Jason’s body.
I just know it.

God is on our side and with that, anything and everything is possible in my book.

The longest weekend

Waiting is usually never fun. The only time I would consider it fun is if you are waiting for something exciting, such as the arrival of Christmas or waiting in a long line at Disneyland to ride your favorite ride (i.e. Indiana Jones). Waiting for results would be categorized in the "not fun" category. So to sum it up, this weekend is not fun.

Waiting for hubbys results.
Waiting to know that he is okay.
Waiting and praying.
Waiting and nearly crying and crying.
Waiting and hoping.
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
I'd rather be at Disneyland.

Last night we went to dinner. It was simple, Chipotle mexican grill. We had low fat salads and water. Then we were still hungry (because we didn't indulge in chips or cheese) so we headed over to WHOLE FOODS for some fat-free fig newtons and low fat pita chips, yum! That hit the spot. I had a nice time walking with Jason, holding his hand, and enjoying the little things.

Not to sound depressed or morose, but talking about the possiblity of a life threatening cancer can really put a damper on the night. Jason asked me "Don't people usually have a feeling when they are dying?". I wasn't sure how to answer that because I've never been there. He also asked me what we would do if he had cancer. The decision was mutual and a private one, but we both are on the same track.

We then headed home, went to bed and snuggled with dreams of Disneyland. We also booked a trip to Disneyland. We now have that to wait for, and that sounds super to me!

In the midst of all this we have been battling colds. Snotty noses, boogers, sore throats, decreased energy, coughing, late nights and more boogers. As Lyla would say "BOOOOOgers" "EWWWWWWW"

Lyla wants to make sure we are all recovering from this virus so here's our conversation:

Lyla looked at me yesterday and said "Daddy sick?"
Me:   "No."
Lyla:  "Mommy sick?"
Me:   "No."
Lyla:  "Daddy Happy?"
Me:   "YES."
Lyla:  "Mommy Happy?"
Me:   "YES"
She ended it with "Ya La HAPPY" and a big kiss.
How sweet it is.

We are happy. Happy to be together. Happy to share the same values. Happy to be alive.
Happy that we have amazing friends and family.
It is in times of harship that you learn who your true friends are.
Thank you, you know who you are.
I'm happy.
Jason is happy.
Lyla is happy.

Have a happy day!
BIG HUGS!

Prayers

Jason and I have been praying that his acute pancreatitis was a fluke, or induced by some sort of virus. 

The unfortunate part is that it wasn't. 

His levels are still remarkably elevated, much higher than normal. This means something is wrong.
He either has chronic pancreatitis or something else that is triggering his levels to be so elevated. We were hoping for good news today and we didn't get it.

What does that mean? Prayers please!

We are staying strong as a family and a couple and pray that this will be something that is benign. Something that can be fixed. Something that is not scary.

The Doctor said a few worrisome things. He said we should be worried. That until we find something benign, we should worry. Well that's not very nice! I think he should practice how he reveals his bad news. This isn't quite so reassuring. What is worrying going to do? Cause me to seek some sort of anti-anxiety pill? 

So for now, Jason is on a LOW FAT diet to save his pancreas. I'm learning to cook again, and especially low fat now. Coming from someone that loves to bake and from my hubby that loves pizza, this is life changing!

Say a prayer! We'll be eating fat free fudgesicles around these parts for the time being.

Take a BREAK

Ever feel so tired you can barely walk? Gosh... sometimes I do! Today is one of those days. It's sunny and bright out (probably the last day of summer) but I'm so worn out that I can't even stammer up the energy to go to the park. It is most likely because I just got over the horrible FLU. It was bad, and I mean bad.... I never miss work and I missed two half days. I think if I would have just called in sick one full day I may have recovered quicker but silly ol' me tried to work. I've got a movie on for Lyla. Now it's time to cuddle up and REST. I think it may be illegal for mama's to get sick, but, when they do... just take a BREAK. It's okay every once in a while. I think Lyla actually enjoys movie day with mama. Ta Ta for now.... Mrs. Sickly

It's my DAY!

It's my day.
I'm 32 so it's the one day I can get away with whatever I want in my world.
That means Lyla slept in until 7:50 (I think she knew!)

Here are 32 things I'm thankful for in no particular order.

1.)God
2.)My husband
3.)Lyla
4.)My family (mom, dad, siblings, everyone!)
5.)Fresh white sheets
6.)Fluffy white towels
7.)Freshly brewed coffee with french vanilla creamer in my 2003 Disney cup
8.)Watching movies with my daughter in her recliner
9.)Lylas tight curls
10.) Lyla's amazing sense of humor (tickling me, laughing at me, etc)
11.) Lyla's intelligence (I love that she is so on top of everything!)
12.) Jason's financial sensibility
13.) Jason's caring heart
14.) My optimal health
15.) My rocking job that is only seven minutes from my house
16.) Starbucks skinny drinks (Carmel machiato being my favorite!)
17.) Craft time (it's few and far between but I love it!)
18.) My girlfriends (we may not see each other often but I know I have the best ones!)
19.) Long walks
20.) Picnics at the park with my babe
21.) Letters in the mail
22.) A email just because
23.) Surprises
24.) Wine, preferably a chilled white glass
25.) Big salads with chicken
26.) Body Sculpt classes
27.) My home that feels safe and secure
28.) My big island in my kitchen that I can cook on
29.) Fresh bright flowers
30.) Laughing so hard it hurts
31.) Holding hands
32.) Kisses